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Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
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10 10 10 fourteen
11 11 and 23
9-6
8-6
is written all over me
10 14
10 14
credit cards and car mileage
sir your total is 1014
your remaining balance is 10 14
your total
you change
your change is written all over me
growing up and counting down
thirty times three
approximately
counting down the next 90
passwords and pins
code words and hints
ten 14
on missed calls
and documented in stories i wasn't going to read
oh 5 oh 7 oh seven
10 14 is still haunting me
05 07 please set me free.
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Saturday, January 20th, 2007
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January 20, 2007
You may become rather nostalgic, tiffany, as you look through old photo albums, rearrange dishes and furniture, and remember what life was like 'way back when.' More than likely, your mind will touch on very emotional subjects that you may not have fully dealt with at the time that they were happening. Old feelings that you thought were gone are welling up to the surface, and may bring tears to your eyes. Honestly face these feelings now instead of stuffing them back down inside you for another ten or twenty years.
whatever you always say that horoscope. always on the right days i might add.
I CAN'T face those thing, horoscope. k. i don't have permission to do so, in a way.
you face what you want.
i face and put it back. the hole i've dug can get deeper. and i'm not about to make my way further in.
just 4 more months.
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Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
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Today at work this man and woman were checking out. the wife was trying to pay for the items in cash but the husband didn't want her to use her cash and he was going to pay with his card.
He said "no. put it back. i'll break both your arms and legs."
it wasn't obvious that he was joking but for the sake of being in public i think he had a more joking tone in his voice. then he said something else and ended with "i'll beat you up." the woman looked at me and smiled and i smiled back and shrugged.
I knew it was funny and intended as a joke because of the "i'll beat you up statement". That, honestly, is one of my favorite sentences. Who says "i'll beat you up" and is seriously trying to be threatening?!!? no one. unless they're a dumb ass which makes it funny anyway.
It was interesting to see someone other than my dad use that kind of humor in public. as well as that person not being a fucking weirdo like i've seen done before. I don't know that man at all but in comparison to the last person who tried those jokes, he seemed pretty damn normal.
It's also a little refreshing in a way. Insults and empty threats are a couple of my top favorite types of humor.
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Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
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Week of October 2, 2006
If you are worried about the future of your romantic partnership, stop playing games in the present and start being more real. In the back of your mind you may have this idea that if you keep pretending that everything is fine in the moment, that the future will somehow magically be harmonious and great. You might think that if you just keep preparing really good meals and taking good care of the house that someday – one day – your romantic partnership will be filled with love, love, and more love. Wrong. If you and your partner don't share love in the present, then how in the world do you expect to share love in the future? What makes you think that one day the complete dynamic of your relationship will change and you will be living the perfect dream? The bottom line is that you should be living your dream now. If you don't like the dream you're in then get out of it and find a new one.
Damn. My horoscope has never been such an asshole to me before!
It's like when your mom gets pissed and yells at you for something you didn't see coming but know it's the truth. I better get my ass in gear.
Okay horoscope i promise i'll go study. for real.
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Saturday, September 16th, 2006
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being at work really apms up the self-pity for me. One of the old men at work asked me today, "when are you and your boyfriend getting married?"
of course, again.."I don't have a boyfriend of any kind. at all."
and then he flipped out. like he was serious! Saying things like "this town must be sliding for letting you get away." and "they should be hangin from your neck."
i get it. thank you for reminding me that i have yet to get what i deserve, and that i'm totally lacking the adoration from a man i can't resist. i have no boyfriend. i have yet to go on a sucessful date. and by that i mean one where some kind of posative romantic relationship evolved. i'm alone when often times i would love to be sharing certain times and events with a guy. not just any guy of course, but blah blah blah.
new ideas have come up. i know i recently said something about not wanting a serious relationship. it's changed. because i want what i deserve. someone to treat me well and love me. i derserve that.
i want to feel passionate again.
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Thursday, September 14th, 2006
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i'm just going to start logging every time something good happens with my sexy boss.
the first time was when i told him i was rebelling against him by not sweeping.
and he said "oh you'll do it. and you'll like it."
yes sir.
I know there was a second time but i can't remember.
Then the other day he asked "Hey tiffany. are you still wearin those little pants?"
he's so sexy. and i LOVE IT when he gets mad. he has the best facial expressions and the hottest hands. i just want him to kiss me all over and then beat me up.
Tonight he called me over after i clocked out to talk with him and the other manager, mike. We were talking about my pants and cookies. we were makin jokes and such and he's adorable and it's an accomplishment to make him laugh. he said i cracked him up and that he's glad he hired me.
I've been told that the guys at work really like me. and it's nice to hear that kind of feedback. i told one guy i need to do whatever i'm doing at work out in the real world. maybe that'll help.
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Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
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"We were so sweet under the Copper Beach
You left a mark you sunk your teeth
Into the back of my neck
Oh let’s not pretend
I needed the lesson that you taught me well
What will I do
Will it always be you?
I hope and I pray he’ll leave me one day.
What will I do
Must it always be you?
I hope and I pray he’ll leave me one day.
He'll leave me one day..."
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Sunday, August 27th, 2006
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man
i don't even want to get into this but it's been on me since it came up.
i never know what to do with something like this.
Today i worked 11:30-8 and by 3:00 i felt like i had been there so long i stopped caring...and went into play mode. all in all the day was probably the best so far. and today half of the people i worked with were closer to my age rather than 40+
so i was on a roll begginning from the afternoon. one of the girls even said so.. "don't mess with her today she's on a roll!"
so at one point one of the guys and i were jokin around and talking. and i was pullin my usual silly crap and the guy looks at me and smiles and laughs and says "you boyfriend must love you."
:(
i just kept laughing and answered an incoming call and said no i don't have a boyfriend.
nope. nope no one i share a romantic connection with, no one that makes me laugh, no one i enjoy spending time with alone.. no special bonds no one that gets me goin about anything.
i mean it's not horrible. i have such wonderful friends who i know love me and i love them and i adore them and the time we spend but when he says "your boyfriend must love you" i knew what he ment.
and it's weird because i would say he was cute and i think he has a really good personallity and he totally cracks me up. but would i wanna be near him? would i want to call him up and hang out at all??
I'm not looking to be married.. i'm not looking to get serious if a possible relationship came along.. but if you're going to date someone shouldn't you want to make contact with them, like call them or touch them?
maybe i'm too into instant results. i know we were so young but when jake and i first met and first started talking and hanging out i knew how i felt about him. i wasn't instantly in love or anything but i was drawn to him very much. thats chemistry.
i'm not drawn to anyone. unless i'm drunk and then i'm drawn to dave which then thats just toxic tiff brain gettin all female.
What's nice about being me and working in a hardware store in a little town is that the men aren't used to this. I don't mean to sound conceited but in the girlfriend potential department i believe i'm a pretty little prize. now metroplex fuckers want their supermodels and fuck 'em they can have that shit.
but i get the older men telling me i should marry them to have my life made because they'd treat me like a queen. or the men saying "someone is so lucky to have you. i'm so lucky to just be at your register" which i find adorably flattering. and then the ones who i will strike up a convo with using some humor and they eat it up or the wives scowl because no they are not as funny.
today one of my older male co workers said i looked very nice today. :) he's one of the grumpy ones that i've been nice to since day one.
horoscope said something is soon to be cleared and will make room for something new. it also said i could start getting involed in romantic situations but will be hesitant and that i should take this as realising that i need to warm up and get back in the game so to speak.
i don't know about that.
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Sunday, August 20th, 2006
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Correction:
Always the best man, never the bride.
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Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
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Tonight i watched christina agulara do a small concert on tv for promoting her new album. there was one song she explained was about her mother and her having the strength to get them out of their abusive home. and i was thinking how my mom would feel if she had seen this. i know she'd feel horrible and like a failure because nothing really changed.
he never hit us. so, so long as no one's getting hit the problem is simple and much easier to ignore.
and i was wondering why it never happened. why we never got hit or why she never left him a long time ago. And yeah, i probably wouldn't have the same amount of money in my life, but so much further, would i even be here? would i be in texas? would i even have the internet? would i even be alive or in good shape at all?
i'm just trying to keep the thought that everything happens for a reason and that things will work out for the best.
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Monday, August 14th, 2006
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I have been avoiding this subject longer than any other. of all my problems and shit in my life this is the one i have the hardest talking about.
So my month sum-up for my horoscope mentioned something about having to face and internally deal with some hurtful issues from the past. honestly, i knew right away which issues were going to come about.
i don't which of you who read this were there the night i got wasted at the metronome.... but if you were.. well, you saw how fucked up i was. I was drunk to the point of several blackouts. but what i do remember was crying uncontrollably and talking about my childinghood and growing up with my stepdad. i said things that i hadn't bothered to even think about in so long. at least i did a well enough job not acknowledging it if the thought did pop up. I talked to syd about it the next day and she said it was probably a good thing and probably something that i needed to get out, even if i hadn't been thinking of it. she said we all have things we just supress as best we can, but sometimes you hold too much and you're just gonna let it out spontaniously.
My horoscopes for today, tomorrow, and this week are all pointing to an emotional flood or even breakdown. soemthing i need to be alone for. and yeah i do believe it.
the other night after work i came home and went right to sleep. well i tried anyway. all i could hear was my parents yelling at eachother, putting eachother down, name calling and belitting. and it went on for a long time, almost a couple hours. the worst part is they were asleep and had been asleep for a while. i asked my mom the next morning if everything was alright and she seemed surprised. she said they went to sleep early before i had gotten home and slept well. the whole thing had been in my head. and i believed it. to me it sounded like it was in the house, right down the hall but is wasn't. it was just shitty memories of day after day. it's still there.
i don't know why if things have gotten better, and no ones gotten into a fight then why is it like this.
i do know why. i know that we're all on edge. and i know that rather than dealing with a problem head on while still keeping communication open and being honest and taking in what the other says we avoid every conflict with ass kissing and awkward smoothing over.
that is one reason i'm afraid to have a family, along with... damn,
along with shit like having a relationship with someone. i hate fighting. i hate having stuff to work out but what i hate even worse is someone who can't aproach a problem with respect and an attitude for resolution.
I've been thinking about some odd stuff that i want to read more on.
At the airport last month i over heard a kid a couple years younger than me talking to a flight attendant. he was explaining different beliefs and he mentioned how we all make our own realities. i've always had that feeling.
but lately i've been thinking, if this is the reality i've made why have i put the kind of lingering devistating pain that i feel into the way my life has been. i think maybe because this is what i know i can deal with. even though i hate it? and maybe i don't hate it as much. for me as hard and as horrible i've felt after whatever i've been through, i honestly have always felt the "light at the end of the tunnel" posative feeling in the back of my mind and in my heart.
and maybe i did it so my outcome will be sweeter. so i can appreciate everything and know exactly why. and not feel spoiled.
i've taken a lot for granted in my life and seeing the way i've been there no way i can live my life like that again. i was stupid. i thought i knew everything because i was getting what i thought i wanted. i was only taking advantage and getting away with negative actions, upon myself and others.
when i think of my past and the things i've been though one thing is really weird to me. When i think of thing that have happened in my home, with my family, my mom, tom and my sister i feel like it was just yesterday. But when i reflect on my relationship with jake it's almost dream-like. and from a certain point in our relationship even up to now i've had a lot of surreal encounters awake and in my sleep. i have had trouble knowing what to believe has or has not really happened. i guess i understand why people get schizophrenia. it happens when something horribley traumatic happens in their life, so badly that they can't handle it. they try so hard to avoid and block out the problem that their brain freaks out and they adopt a complete new personality. not saying thats happened to me.. just saying i can understand youre mind freaking out and shutting certain paths closed.
I had a very very good conversation with maria the other night. it had to have been the most posative talk in a very long time. We talked about our gut feelings about people and situations and our lives. she's got the same kind of instinct i feel i have. it just really feels like things are going to take a great turn for us in the coming years and we'll really have something to feel good about. like we're really gonna make it happen for ourselves.
so i've been thinking of it more and more. about my goals and how to acheive them. it really is about time i take charge. and i feel i have more potential now than i did meerley months ago.
Week of August 14, 2006: There is a great deal of activity in your spiritual zone this week which may bring some powerful dreams your way. Don’t automatically dismiss them just because you can’t believe what they are trying to tell you. They may have some important guidance, so keep a note and make some time to work with them. If you have been practicing a certain spiritual regime then do keep at it - don’t feel that nothing is happening. When Saturn is in this part of your chart you can go through a particularly dry period that may be discouraging. But it can be a bit like the winter time, although nothing is appearing on the surface, there is plenty of activity underground and it will all become more obvious shortly. The Sun trines Pluto on Thursday, and this is going to encourage you to think about any changes you could make to your life that will create a greater sense of balance overall. If you have become lopsided in any one area then it is going to show. Mercury will square Jupiter on Friday so you may experience a conflict between what your intuition is telling you and what your logic is trying to convey. Again go with the one that feels right. Sunday is not a good day for heart-to-heart discussions.
Michael made a comment when i arrived at cheyne's birthday party on saturday night..."you look so gwen stefani: return of saturn!"
damn him with the best compliments...
well it's weird. and gay of me. but august always starts feeling like my "return of saturn" and i seeing more and more that it is.
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Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
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August always makes me nervous.
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patters
it's all patterns. and after everything i've been through over the past couple years, i mean everything... i'm surprised and sickend to have this kind of bullshit in my life right now.
i know it's karma.
each one comes back and builds some kind of trust. gives without giving. i never wanted to become the kind of person that puts everyone else off just because of past negative outcomes. so i'm open and return everything i think i'm being given and then some. now i really don't want to be open anymore.
you can't help who you love or why you love them or how you love them. and to have to take that away from someone you really truely had in your heart, because of the way they have pissed on something so personal and so genuine.. that's just horrible to have to go through.
you have to force yourself.
i know you know about that.
i don't have anything to try for with dave. the most respect i will get is his dopey attempts so make chit chat with me. i don't even care. i'm through with any of that; that won't be on my mind any further. it's dragged out way too long. now it's finally at rest. hot damn.
with matt it's a lot different. with matt it's what i was talking about above. that was my friend. he came back, as the friend that i had lost, offering a relationship in destitution. everyone has someone or several people that they have lost ties with and often wonder what happened to their friend(s). and to gain that person back is the best.
he thought he was going to be leaving soon, and he came back and made everything right with so many people. i trusted him.
he has fucked up with a lot of people. I can't be his friend. not after what he has done to kip and the things he has pulled on me personally. I don't understand how someone could afflict so many people repetitively. he didn't care at all about anyone's feelings.
i'm crushed to see my friend that way. i'm crushed to be on this side of it. and i'm still even worried for him on what's going to happen further. if he can do that to kip, if he can do that to other friends, how can someone be sure that it won't happen to them too?
i'm going to be missing a lot of people i wish i didn't have to because of this.
this passed weekend just covered me. even now i'm just drained and shook up. i have this feeling that it will get better and worse at the same time.
i still think everything happens for a reason. but the timing is pretty curious.
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Saturday, July 29th, 2006
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i don't think i'm even treating myself right these days. I'm so sick of men right now. i've never been a "man hater" kind of girl but right now they can all go fall off a cliff.
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Thursday, June 15th, 2006
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It seems like each week i have more and more trouble sleeping. usually it's because of spending my time in arlington. if i'm not spending the night there and not going to sleep till sometime in the late morning, i'm driving back very late at night and not going to sleep till sometime in the early morning.
i feel like i've become sort of delerious when it comes to sleeping. My biggest problem i've noticed is that no matter what time i go to sleep i wake up (or i am already up) a little while before midnight and feel very strong hunger and lonliness.. along with a bit of paranoia. and this will last anywhere from 11:30 to 1.
last night was the strangest night of sleeplessness. i fell asleep around 7:30 and woke up at 10:30. i didn't really go back to sleep untill.. i'm guessing 5ish. At around 1 something slammed into my window. I don't have curtains, it's all window. And the house is in the middle of the woods. i had my lights on so whatever it probably just flew towards the light. i'm guessing it was a bat. It was too small to be an owl. and i don't know.. i only saw it for the second it hit my window.. i just don't think it would be a bird. So i lay back down watching tv. or my back turned, just trying to feel like sleeping. At 3:30ish i hear this digging scratching sound coming from the wall by the head of my bed and the dresser. it sounded as if something was on the other side clawing ans scratching on the wall. Well i was scared and worried about what the hell it could be. i got up and turned the lights on and tried to follow the sound. so i went to the other side of the wall into my bathroom to see if anything was there and there wasn't. but i still heard the scratching. So then it occures to me that the sound is more like coming from inside the wall. or even above it. So now theres something clawing away inside my walls or in the ceiling, who knows. but it's loud and weird. and then it stops. it just stops and i don't hear it again. so i turned the lights off and i lay back down and it takes me a while to sort of dose off because i keep thinking in my mind that this thing is clawing again. But i finally start to sleep. And i think i did get a bit of sleep up untill the toilet starts making some of the scariest noises i have ever heard. I'm not even kidding. the fucking toilet, making these god aweful horror movie monster demon sounds. So i get up right away and all i remember is getting up, walking over to the toilet, looking at it, and saying "thats what it does." and then i went back to bed and went to sleep.
Mom called at 11:30 and woke me up, so a few hours of sleep isn't bad. i'm happy with some rather than none at all. I just hope i can find some way to get to sleep easier and stay asleep. and be comfortable. I don't think i would have gotten any sleep if i hadn't taken a tylenol pm at 2:30 or 3ish. And it also seems that when i do wake up it's really abrupt and kind of alarming. but i have no clock alarm set. i think it's the sun. oh well.
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Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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i'm supposed to win the lottery this weekend
and that damn well better happen.
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i feel it's for my own good to keep up with my horoscope. it's always been accurate whether i like it or not.
and it just never seems to miss.
March
Brilliant ideas will come to the surface as the month begins, Virgo. You'll find practical solutions that you never would have considered normally. That's because you will be seeing things from a different perspective. A heavy workload around March 3 will leave you feeling frustrated. Try to get everything cleaned up so you can relax over the weekend. You probably won't be able to concentrate anyway, so why bother taking it home? You won't feel much more motivated on Monday either, but by then you will have to face it. You'll have to force yourself to get going. By March 13, unexpected events will force you to change course. You can get cooperation from people in authority, but you may have to adapt to new rules that will change your plans. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in your sign on March 14 will bring rewards for your hard work and efforts over the last few months. Later in the week, though, memories from the past could force you to revisit painful issues, and face them. Adopt a positive attitude instead of dwelling on things you cannot change. By March 22 you should have a more pragmatic approach and will figure out how to handle things without getting mired in shame or regret. There may be a challenging discussion on the weekend of March 25 and 26, which will affect you for a few days. Keep your cool and don't let someone else get the upper hand, and the month will end on a positive note.
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Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
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Once someone asked me what i wanted to do in life
and because i get lame at the worst times i answered: "ahhh, i dono... i wanna win the lottery...."
and yeah thats true but money is the biggest part of making so many of my dreams realities.
I want to travel. everywhere. all over the world and for long periods of time. and i want to have a house in greece. i want big dogs and big furnature. i want to own a business. i want to meet important people. i want to see what important people have done. not "important" to simple standards but people important to me. people who impact my life. i want to make music and music videos and short films all with my best friend. i want to take ridiculous pictures in the most beautiful places. i want help. i want to help at a shelter and rescue dogs. i want to see more live music and meet more musicians.....
i got so much in my head running around but the first thing i run into is the stress i'm under now. i'm not bankin'.
i was but things got turned around and now i'm payin $700 for a car bill. my mom can't help because her car is dead. like dead dead. like never going to work again. i'm spending so much on gas because it takes about a quarter of a tank to go to work and back home every day. and if i want to see the people who really keep me going, well i gotta save. just to see you. just to come to your house and see you. but i need it. because this big house is only so big and making food and baking stuff gets old. and running is running but i don't run when it requires a flash light and a gun in case i run into some cougar or a pack of coyotes....
this ball has got to get rollin.
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Friday, February 10th, 2006
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even happiness is pain. aight?
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